Avatar of the Damned
by Grand Phoenix
Summary: Kakashi still couldn't believe this was happening. "You are only alive when you are at your most vulnerable, and right now, at this moment, nothing is more beautiful than a man lying at Death's Doorstep." /AU divergent post-Chuunin Exams/


**Disclaimer:** All characters and locations belong to their respective owners.

_A/N: Now I have nothing against Kakashi, but, you know, the guy could have been a better teacher. He could have taken some time out of his day to teach not just Sasuke but Naruto and Sakura especially. He could have shown Sasuke his quest for vengeance and power (more like going to Orochimaru for that power) would not yield the results the latter now displays in canon albeit corrupted. He could have made Sakura into a more passive-aggressive powerhouse if he had trained her extensively in Ninjutsu (and Sakura could still go to Tsunade and learn medical techniques if she wanted to); with this training she could have been more confident in her actions (she could have very well killed Sasuke in the manga had she not hesitated). Kakashi could also have taken Naruto under his wing for a bit and help stabilize his chakra control and that of Kyuubi's (possibly with help from the Sharingan), add a repertoire of Wind Jutsu as it compliments his affinity passed down by Minato (instead of just having Rasengan and its variation, but I'm not saying that's a bad thing); in truth, canon!Naruto wouldn't need to be under Kakashi's tutelage for long until Jiraiya came along post-Exams (and Jiraiya, in spite of his experience and strength, is an even worse teacher, but we all know how that goes. (As you can tell, this doesn't Kushina as it's never explained what her elemental affinity is, but since she was originally born in Whirlpool it's safe to assume she would more than likely be attuned to the Water element. That, and we know that the Uzumaki clan have a rich and extensive knowledge on Fuuinjutsu, so that would add versatility in Naruto's fighting style.)_

_However, this story isn't about Naruto and how he pisses and moans about not getting the proper training because of who he is and what he carries (if you want training so bad, then stop whining and do something about it! You're a ninja, for heaven's sake! - and I don't mean leave the Hidden Leaf for X years and come back mad and a fucking (sex) god!). This is about Kakashi, and the story below is no way intended to bash the man except for how he played his role as a teacher._

_Maybe._

_It's more than just that._

* * *

**Avatar of the Damned**

* * *

His first mistake was made after Obito died. No one wished for his demise on that fateful mission, but Obito was a ninja and as a ninja of the Leaf he played his role as a weapon and soldier to sacrifice himself in the midst of heavy fighting. It was, sadly, only natural and, even more sadly, the way life worked.

Obito's death opened his eyes. Though his heart ached he swore to uphold the ideals his friend clung so firmly to. He decided to never abandon his companions and belittle them of their weaknesses.

His second mistake was made after the Kyuubi invaded Konoha. Hundreds of shinobi lost their lives defending the village, either killed by the destructive force of the beast's lashing tails or suffocated in the presence of its viscous cloak. He had survived the terrible onslaught, but he could not suppress the shock and horror when he learned the day after Rin and Minato-sensei were among the casualties sprawled amidst the carnage. Rin who had healed his injuries and held him back when he almost to came to the blows with Obito, and Minato who took him under his wing after his father's suicide and refined his awkward movements to genius, gazelle-like grace, were gone. He was the last of what was once Team Seven.

He went into ANBU later on and left his heart by the side of the road, slick and fresh for the carrion birds.

His third mistake was made when he was forced by the Sandaime to resign from ANBU and become a Jounin instructor. The Hokage wanted him to reintegrate into society, to interact with his comrades and create lasting bonds; the same went for the Genin, to instill them the teachings of the Will of Fire in spite of the life they were about to lead, of the murder and deceit they were going to cause.

When it came time to test them, he failed them. All the boys and girls directed his way, ready to pass with flying colors and flair, sent back to the Academy. All that potential wasted.

He didn't want them, any of them.

His fourth mistake was when he actually gave a damn and passed the three brats he disliked so much: the Uchiha who constantly brooded for revenge, the loudmouth blonde who was the haunting image of his late father, and the pink-haired banshee who failed to look beyond the veil of lollipops and rainbows and all that sugar-coated jazz. Their names were Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura, and they would be the best mixed blessing he ever received.

Because the biggest mistake of all was worse than the other mistakes combined. The loss of his former team and the subsequent trauma that followed him into ANBU and beyond was not the catalyst to his downfall.

It was not because he largely ignored Naruto in favor of Sasuke and pawned the former off to Ebisu for training when the Chuunin Exams was approaching.

It was not because he did not do a good enough to prevent Sasuke from seeking Orochimaru for the power to fight toe-to-toe with his brother and slay him in vengeance for the deaths of his clan.

No. Sasuke wasn't the problem. Neither was Naruto.

It was Sakura. Sweet, stubborn Sakura with the high forehead and empty threats and white knuckles.

And she held the tip of a bloodied sword against the lump of his Adam's apple, a boot pressed firmly to his chest.

Kakashi still couldn't believe this was happening.

"So," he said in a strained voice, "this is how it ends…doesn't it? A teacher bested by his student." He turned his head to the side, cleared his throat, and hawked a wad of blood. "I'm…very impressed."

The girl – no, the young woman, it was going on six years since he'd last seen her – did not smile, merely ran her eyes up and down his body. "I'm glad to hear that, Kakashi," she replied breezily.

"I thought you were dead," he continued. "So did Naruto. Even Sasuke, can you believe that?" He wanted to laugh, but it was quashed as she pressed harder, as if she had read his mind and deemed the notion offensive. "We all thought the same thing ever since that mission in Key Country."

"As you can see, I'm very well much alive."

"What happened? What did they do to you?" _You're not the Sakura I know. You're not the Sakura who used to yell at me for being purposely late, who used to get between Naruto and Sasuke when they had their spats._

"They did nothing," Sakura answered. "Do you remember when the damiyou's _onmyouji_ swarmed the canyons and pushed back the sharpshooters? Do you remember when that _nukenin_ and his men blew up the dam with their clay bombs?"

"Yes. We had to flee to higher ground, but the confusion prevented us from intercepting the target." A sigh whistled through his lips. "It was one of the few missions we failed to fulfill. And with your disappearance—"

"I never disappeared." She jabbed the blade's tip a little deeper and drew blood.

"What? What do you mean you didn't—"

"I was caught in the flood and swept away. I hit my head on a rock and nearly drowned, but the fates must have been generous that day. I don't know how…but I do recall waking up by a fire restrained and a chain around my neck."

Dread dropped like a cannonball in his stomach. "…They kidnapped you."

She nodded. "More like found me washed ashore on a riverbank. There were others, too, boys and girls of all ages. Daitetsu-sensei and his men delivered us to their compound where we were judged by Big Heavy."

"Their leader, I presume?"

"Not just our leader. He is our master, the all-seeing eye of the Southern Coasts. He is the man who made me into the person I am today." Jade green eyes stared down at Kakashi, radiating with fire and napalm. "He broke me and forged me anew, because a battered sword is a useless, dusty tool." She gazed into his mismatched eyes, gauging the shock and horror on his face.

Sakura giggled, high and happy like the first bird at dawn's first light, and smirked. "Why so surprised, _sensei_? Did you at least wonder if I had survived the chaos of the flood, that I had a fighting chance against an army of A-ranked _nukenin_ that practiced morally maligned arts? No?" She sighed, shook her head. "That hurts, Kakashi. It really does. Now I know why you never had any faith in me!"

"Th-that," he stuttered as the blade sank deeper into his flesh, "that's not true. I believed in y-you." _Liar. The only time you ever had hope for her was when she climbed the gods-damn tree during the chakra control exercise._ "Honest." _You horrible, pathetic liar._

"Hmmm, is that so?" She rolled her shoulders back, flicked her eyes up at the sky as if in contemplation. "I wasn't aware throwing a student with little on-field experience to the wolves was part of the student-teacher relationship. It all makes sense now."

"Sakura, let me explain—"

"No no, let me finish." She locked her gaze back on the Jounin. "I thought it was ridiculous, you see? I always thought teachers were supposed to be at your side when you fought your first _nukenin_. Having trouble nicking the poor bastard? Don't worry, Sensei will get up in his face with a Raikiri. Got a wound that won't stop bleeding? Don't panic, Sensei will fix that right up! Can't seem to lure your enemy out of hiding? Never fear, Sensei will show you the how-to! That's how li'l ole me used to think: show the poor saps you call your team how to rumble, and they too will learn how to kick ass on their own! Why, with enough practice they'll be able to tear a man in half with their bare hands!"

Kakashi reached for her ankle. "Sakura, you don't understa—" He yelped, felt the bones crackle and pop as she stamped her other foot down on his hand.

"But this is the best part," she added with a cheerful grin. "You see, when Big Heavy judged us he made an announcement. To see if we were of any worth in his eyes, he declared to hold a special ceremony called Battle Royale. It's like the Chuunin Exams: you pit two people in an arena and have them duke 'em out 'til the loser can't get up anymore…except there's a catch. That chain I had round my neck? That wasn't a chain, it was a bomb collar, and the collars are never taken off unless you do one of two things: you either win the battle and they unlatch it…or you lose and your pretty head goes boom and splats all over the place. Oh, I felt the same way, Kakashi! The sight of all that blood and gore had me sick to my stomach and haunted me in my sleep for weeks! I thought to myself, 'this is it, Sakura; you're going to die, and no one will ever know what became of the little pink-haired banshee.'"

Her smile vanished, and her features hardened to a picture-perfect replicate of a poker face. "I almost did, you know. I was scared that one false move, one miscalculation in my attacks would make the clay in my collar ignite." She cast a long, languorous glance at her left arm, the arm that was covered from shoulder to fingertips in a yellow sleeve. "I didn't want to die, so I fought. I punched and kicked and clawed and bit my way through the ranks. The numbers thinned to single digits…and I remained, hot and dirty and pumping with adrenaline.

"And then I lost."

"Lost?" Kakashi croaked.

Sakura nodded gravely. "Yes. I lost the fight I was in, and I lost miserably. It was the finals. There were only ten of us left."

"Then…how are you still alive? You said so yourself that the collar would detonate if you lost."

"Indeed I did. So why, then, was I spared, a dull and pitted tool?" She shook her covered arm. "I begged them to let me live. I got on my knees and cried, cried so damn hard I had snot running down my nose and over my lips. I told I would do anything for them in exchange for my salvation; and yet they showed no pity, no remorse for their actions or my disgusting behavior. Not even Big Heavy deigned to express an ounce of sympathy.

"Instead he asked me what I could offer them in terms of services, what I had the other soldiers didn't. Why, he posed, should I continue living? I was so taken aback I almost couldn't find the will to answer back, but I told him. I said I had excellent chakra control and that I had a decent tolerance to Genjutsu. Ah, but Big Heavy was and is still is a difficult man to please. Good help is so hard to find in this day and age, and certainly he had people whose skill-sets were far more superb than mine. So what was else was there to say?"

The corner of Sakura's lips curled upward. "The answer, Kakashi, was very simple. Everyone has efficient chakra control and is studious in Ninjutsu, Taijutsu, and Genjutsu…but there was one thing they were missing. Can you guess what it is? Think, _Sensei_. Look beneath the underneath. You know this."

_I do?_ He wondered. Kakashi scrunched his brow with thought. _The last time I read Sakura's profile was before the Exams. Her stats and abilities were exactly as she had just described them. Nothing…_**rEmArKAbLe**..._that would elicit_…**aNy cAUsE FoR cONcErN**…_special attention, as it was with Sasuke's Sharingan and Naruto's Jinchuuriki status._

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't answer your question."

Sakura scowled deeply. "That's a real shame, Kakashi…but I'm not surprised. As far as Konoha is concerned, they don't care to notice the potential screaming to be free from one of their own ninja's bodies."

"What are you saying? The Hidden Leaf provides all shinobi to undergo the most efficient training programs on the entire continent."

"That's where you're wrong," she snarled. "It's not perfect. It's far from absolute. If it were so, I would have realized my potential much sooner." Her left arm shot behind her back and withdrew a second, larger sword. Its blade was long and rectangular, its edges filed and sharpened into lethal, pointed teeth. Its tip was wide and flat as a mesa. "I would have recognized my destiny for what it truly is!"

The power exuded from her being like a tidal wave, hot and rank with the intent to kill and instill fear. Kakashi had been caressed by this aura throughout his shinobi career; but this…something was off. It wasn't the pure, raw tension one would endure when facing an enemy of opposing faction or the iron will of a person ready to fight against insurmountable odds. No, it was neither of those. It was dreadful, repulsive.

It felt _wrong_.

Kakashi swallowed, but he knew it was a mistake to do so for the action caused the blade to sink more into his throat. He could taste liquid copper on the back of his tongue. He spat out another wad of saliva and said, "I'm sorry, Sakura. I was…a horrible teacher to you. I wish…I could do it…all over again." It was getting harder to breathe, harder to was applying even more of her weight onto his chest and hand, and yet, in the back of his mind, he knew she was taking great pleasure in watching him suffer.

_I've suffered worse. I've been captured and tortured before. I've seen all sorts of people die before my own eyes, friends and family and comrades._

_So why…can't I look at her?_

Sakura, who appeared to have calmed down, scoffed at him. "It's a little late for epiphanies, _Sensei_. Even more late for what-ifs and could-have-beens."

"Yes, you're right. Except…you didn't finish telling me…what came next…in the story."

Her eyes widened as if she had just walked in her old home and received a surprise birthday party. Then it melted like vaporous steam and the cool, somber mask was slipped on once more. "Oh, that?" she said casually. "I told Big Heavy about Inner Sakura."

"Inner…Sakura?" Wait, what?

"Yeah," and she smiled, "she's my second half, the part of me that wants to take control of my body and have her way with things. She's my first and best friend in the whole world."

"Is that so? What's she like?"

"Oh, she's like my polar opposite. Remember when I was twelve, how I was naïve and whiny and totally useless? Well, Inner Sakura is my very own cheerleader. She encourages me to stand up for myself and fling the shit back in peoples' faces. She tells me not to worry about others and think only of myself for the betterment of my survival." She nodded vigorously. "It's like having a friend who will listen to everything to your problems when no one else wants to, a friend who promises to keep your deepest, darkest secrets from a society that takes one look at you and walks away with a shake of its head and disappointment in its steps." She exhaled a quiet, wistful sigh. "She's the sister I always wanted in my life. My friend, my guardian, my teacher…everything I hoped for.

"And do you know what? Big Heavy gave me that everything. Daitetsu-sensei, Lito-sensei, the Overtaker…all of them provided me in their own, unique way. They accepted me, taught me, and showed me how to live again."

Kakashi's breath hitched. The air was getting thicker, denser...getting _rotten_, like spoiled meat left sitting in the sun. But he pressed on, and asked, "How so?"

A pink tongue ran a course along her lips. "By sacrificing me to their god, Jashin-sama."

No.

_No._

_No, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO._

Not Sakura. Not sweet, naïve, loud, bitchy, stubborn, soft-hearted _Sakura_….

"Oh yes, the very same Jashin-sama! He came to me in my darkest hour and lighted the fires of my soul!" Sakura delightfully exclaimed. "Oh, but it's not like they killed me. See this?" She lifted her left arm and shook it. "They cut my arm off and presented it to Jashin-sama so that He'd lend me the strength to live and see another day. That strength—_my newfound strength_—came in the form of Inner Sakura. Lord Jashin and His acolytes drew her from my screaming mouth and sealed her in my bleeding stump." Her smile grew wider, pulling her cheeks up in a manic grin. "Do you want to see it, Kakashi? I assure you, it's nothing gross."

Kakashi shook his head so fast silver strands of hair flew over his only eye. "No no, that's fine, Sakura. You don't need to show me—"

"But Inner wants to meet you! Don't you, Inner?" Sakura swung the sawtooth sword lazily, back and forth, back and forth above Kakashi's head. "Come on out, Inner! Come out, my fel love!" The yellow sleeve covering her arm burned away in ghostly blue flames.

It took every ounce of willpower not to scream and even more not to turn aside and vomit. Sakura's arm was all bone, bleached white and chipped in various places. The flames crackled soundlessly and wavered in a wind that seemingly arrived as if from nothing and everywhere. Black, viscous tar poured from the cracks in the bones and dripped to the ground in slow, dreamy clockwork. And the sword—

The sword had a face, if it could be called such. There were two black slits for a pair of glaring eyes and another black slit for a mouth set in a devilish, gleeful grin matching the one on Sakura's lips. Pinpoints of green bioluminescence glowed dimly in its dark gaze.

It giggled a wet and bubbly sound from unfathomable depths. _"Hello, Kakashi,"_ it said. _"You must be…ah, I'm sorry, _were_, Sakura's teacher. Sakura has told me so much about you." _Its glare narrowed, its smile splitting into lethal fang-shapes. _"You're a bad boy, such a very bad boy…and so very lazy. Teachers aren't supposed to be lazy, you know. Neither should they forget the weakest link in a group of manly powerhouses. A girl's gotta be strong, too, but I guess you didn't see it that way."_

_That's not true_, he wanted to say. _I had faith in her. Maybe not right away, but I did. It just takes time, is all. The boys protect the girl while she's developing her chakra coils, tightening them, hardening them. Girls aren't as strong as boys. It's natural._

_It's natural._

**LIAR.**

**LIARLIARLIARLIAR.**

**YOU FUCKING LIAR.**

Instead he bit his tongue and said not a word. He couldn't.

_"Hmph, you have nothing to defend yourself? Not even a little?"_ The sword scoffed. _"This man is not worth killing, Sakura. He is forgetful and does not care for your well-being. Lord Jashin would not profit from this…paltry…sacrifice."_

Sakura pursed her lips. "Yes. Yes, you're right, Inner. I was just thinking the same thing…but I don't want to offend Jashin-sama. Here lies before us a man of questionable standing, cornered and powerless to change the destiny bequeathed on his head. I could drive you through his heart and allow you to indulge on him as much as you want. We could even make him one of our own…but I doubt Big Heavy would consent to having him as one of his followers. Jashin-sama knows I wouldn't."

_"Absolutely!"_ Inner agreed. _"Still…I don't wish to leave our prey be as he is."_

"Oh? What did you have in mind, love?"

_"Bear me in your arms, dear, and I'll tell you." _Sakura lifted the sword to her shoulder, and it explained to her what needed to be done. _"How does that sound? Is it a fitting judgment?"_

"Yes," Sakura purred. "It's _perfect_."

"Who are you?" Kakashi asked. All emotion drained from him, leaving behind an empty, hollow husk. "You're not Sakura. You can't be. You're not the Sakura I know. You're an imposter, a…a Genjutsu."

"No, Kakashi," said Sakura. "This is not a Genjutsu nor is this a fevered dream. I am me and I am I…just as you are you and he is he." Her eyes bore down on the Jounin like judgment on Armageddon. "You are only alive when you are at your most vulnerable, and right now, at this moment, nothing is more beautiful than a man lying at Death's Doorstep."

She raised the sawtooth blade above her head.

"For hell and damnation! LONG LIVE JASHIN-SAMA!"

Her arm fell like a cursed star.

And then the world was set ablaze.

Kakashi screamed, screamed long and loud as sharp teeth sank into his right arm and tore it from his flesh. Every muscle and fiber was alive with sweet, juicy, nectarine anguish. His extremities shrank and inflated and shriveled. His limbs thrashed and scrabbled, fingers ripping grass from its roots and feet kicking up clouds of dust and sediment. His head rang, Sharingan throbbing to the mad pulse threatening to burst from his chest. Nausea and blood and bile and fear welled in his belly and festered on his tongue.

_Why?_

_Why is this happening to me?_

_Why did it have to be Sakura?_

_Why?_

_Why did it come to this?_

_Why?_

_WHYWHYWHY?_

_WHERE DID I GO WRONG?_

**FOOL. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.**

**EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU DID.**

**DO NOT DENY THIS.**

**DO NOT PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED.**

His eye(s) bled, and all he saw was red, red, RED.

His scream died, tapering off in a pathetic, child-like whimper.

**HATE NOT ME. HATE YOUR WEAKNESS.**

_My weakness…._

_Have I always been this weak?_

_How long? How long have I…?_

"Yes…this will do," said Sakura. She sheathed the sword in her right hand and pulled a large scroll attached to her back. She tossed it to the ground and spread the parchment out. "This should satiate Jashin-sama for the time being. Don't you think so, Kakashi-_sensei_?"

Kakashi turned his head to the side and vomited.

Sakura grimaced. "Now that was uncalled for. Well, at least you had the decency to look the other way, I'll give you that." She got down on one knee and laid Inner next to her. She bit the flesh of her thumb and dashed a crimson trail across the paper, then snatched Kakashi's arm and placed it on the scroll. "I can't wait to show this to everyone back home. Big Heavy and Daitetsu-sensei will be so proud of me!" She dribbled some tar over the limb and sealed it with a set of unrecognizable hand-signs.

Finished purging the contents from his stomach, Kakashi raised his one remaining hand to his Sharingan and cried.

"What's the matter?" Sakura asked. "Was I too rough? Well, it's too late to sew you back up. It'd be a waste of a trophy, you know?" She tucked the scroll away and leaned over the man. "Something the matter with your eye? Here, let me see. Go on, I'm not gonna hurt you. Move your hand."

He didn't, but Sakura pretended he was doing so anyway. Slowly, gently, she pried it from his face.

What she saw made her cackle.

"I don't believe it! _I_ did _that_? Really? Oh, but it is! It is!" She clapped her hands in delight and rocked back on her heels. "I'm so proud of you, _Sensei_! You finally have the Mangekyou Sharingan! You should be honored!"

Kakashi groaned. Everything hurt, so, _so much_. He wanted to die. He wanted to crawl over to a dark corner and never see the light of day. He didn't want to go back to Konoha, to anywhere.

"Kill me," he pleaded, snorting back snot. "Please kill me…."

Sakura picked up Inner, pushed off her feet, and rose. Her eyes narrowed. "Excuse me?"

"Sakuraaaa," he moaned. "Please…don't draw this out any further." There was a shaky intake of breath. "Just kill me…already…." He grunted as a steel-toed boot slammed into his ribs.

"Do I look like I want to give you mercy?" Sakura spat. "Don't be a pussy, Hatake. You're a ninja, a former ANBU operative. Taste the pain and relish it. It's only weakness leaving the body."

_"Yessss," _Inner hissed. _"Toughen up, boy. There are people out there who've had it much worse. If you really want to die so badly, then do so in a _proper _battle. Be prepared, strike without hesitation. Only then shall we consider you worthy of a sacrifice…and, ultimately, our ranks."_

"No," he mumbled hoarsely, "never. I'll…I'll never be one of you. You…you _monster_…." He coughed blood as she stamped his chest with her heel. "You…took Sakura…away from me…just like all the others…. I want her _back_…." He reached out an arm and attempted to wrap his fingers round her ankle.

Sakura pulled away and whirled on her heel. "Don't even try it. The Sakura you know is gone, a meaningless grain of sand washed away by the canyon floods six years ago." She stowed away Inner in its scabbard, and when she dropped her arm the yellow sleeve suddenly materialized over it, hiding within the tar-leaking horror.

Casting a single viridian iris over her shoulder, she added tonelessly, "I will let you live for now; however, the next time our paths cross, I assure you, Hatake Kakashi, with Inner and Jashin-sama as my witnesses, I will most definitely strike you down. Pray to your gods that day does not come anytime soon; wouldn't want to waste that _newfound potential_…."

**LIKE YOU HAD DONE TO ME.**

**LIKE YOU HAD DONE TO ALL YOUR PREVIOUS STUDENTS.**

Haruno Sakura started walking, and she did not look back.

Kakashi lay there, surrounded by a pool of congealing blood and bile. He lay there for a long time, watching the few, meager clouds drift by and the birds traveling toward their individual destinations.

His eyelids grew heavy.

His breathing slowed.

The world blurred.

And all the while, Uchiha Obito's voice echoed like a gunshot.

_"Those in the ninja world who break the rules and regulations are called trash, but those who don't care about their companions are worse than trash!"_

Tears welled up in his eyes. "I'm sorry," Kakashi wept. He wished with all his heart to die and wither away. "I'm sorry." He wished he had the strength to end his life as his father before him. "I'm sorry." He wished he had paid better attention to his teammates, reinforced the bonds weakened over time. "I'm sorry." He wished he could wake up and say this was all just a terrible nightmare, a vivid illusion. "I'm so sorry."

He wished he could undo every mistake he ever made, except it was too late to change, too late to rebuild the bridges he had burned and left to smolder.

Left by the side of the road Kakashi closed his eyes and waited, waited for the carrion birds to swoop down and feast upon his flesh. He could afford to wait. There was nothing more he could do.

After all, it was a good day to die.

* * *

(Except he never did….)


End file.
